It’s taken
me a year to share this…..the day Emelyn was born:
I was 39
weeks pregnant the day before, it was a Monday, and I had been having some
elevated blood pressures the days leading up but nothing too high. All my lab
work seemed to be good. Jake was sick at work, throwing up, and I had to see
the Dr. for a non stress test. During the test her heart rate was perfect and she
was moving all the time. The Dr. checked my blood pressure, it was higher than
she liked and I was already 4 cm dilated. She said she thought it was time to
have a baby. I was nervous and scared to be induced and even asked to wait
until the weekend. She did not like that idea and said I was to check in at 6
am. So that was that. I called Jake and he asked me to drive to Columbus (an
hour away) to pick him up. When I got there I gave him some of my zofran to
keep him from throwing up anymore. It worked! After calling all our family and
dropping him at home I went and got my nails and toes done. Late that night my
sisters arrived, Erika drove 7 hours from PA to be there, Jamie and Jason came
down from Franklin and we were all excited to finally meet this precious baby
and everyone was dying to hear her name J We tried to get some sleep, but I
think that was nearly impossible for me.
On Tuesday,
February 5, 2013 we arrived at the Labor and Delivery unit at 6am sharp and got
settled into our room. I signed some papers, changed and waited for the nurse
to start an IV. Around 7:00 they started me on a low dose of pitocin (medicine
to make your body contract). Things were going fine. I was not in any pain. I
could feel my uterus start to contract and it felt like mild cramps. Over the
next few hours our family started to arrive and the excitement around was
infectious. The nurse said she wanted to come in the room and find me a little
more uncomfortable so that would tell her my body was doing some work. I felt
like they just kept increasing the pitocin but it would be a few hours until I
started to get uncomfortable during the contractions.
The doctor
finally came in around noon and checked me, I was 5 cm. They decided to break
my water. Now I will just tell you the aftermath is the most uncomfortable
feeling ever. I felt like I was constantly peeing myself and getting up to use
the bathroom was awkward. Everyone said that after your water breaks then the
real contractions begin. They slowly started to pick up. I could see one coming
on the monitor and could feel when it peaked. I am not trying to be some BA
chick but I never remember them ever becoming unbearable. I say that because I
don’t think my body was doing what it should have been doing. I don’t think my
body was ready to have a baby. Around 3pm or maybe it was 4 I can’t remember
the nurse came in and asked if I wanted an epidural. She said the
anesthesiologist was on the unit and it would be a good time to get one since
he was here. In my mind at that moment I knew I wanted one and I was 6 cm at
the most recent check so I agreed. I was starting to feel really uncomfortable
during the contractions and I didn’t want them to get so bad that I couldn’t
sit through the epidural being placed.
About an
hour passed and it was my turn to get the epidural. I have to tell this story
because it was hilarious. As I was sitting up during the procedure water kept
gushing out, I don’t know if it was another bag of water that wasn’t originally
popped or what but it kept gushing. So much it gushed off the bed, all over the
chair my feet were on, on the floor making puddles, not drips, but huge
standing puddles on the floor. I was laughing so that made it worse but
thankfully my husband was there to witness it all because it’s too funny to be
the only one that was there. It took a
little bit for the doctor to get the epidural in place as there was some
resistance getting into my epidural space. Once it was finally in it took about
5 minutes and I was totally pain free. It was a weird feeling how the pain just
went away but it was nice, I’m not going to lie. At that point it was a waiting
game. So we thought. About an hour into having the epidural my bottom half was completely
numb. I’m talking can’t wiggle my toes, can’t feel anything but the weight of
my legs. I went into panic mode. I couldn’t get comfortable because all I could
think about was trying to move my legs and I couldn’t. I hated it….! I couldn’t
shake the feeling and even asked at one point for the nurse to turn it off or
take it out! Family came back in and calmed me down but at this point I was
irritated. They checked me and I was still 6 cm dilated and they decided to put
in an intrauterine pressure catheter to test the strength of my contractions.
The Dr. said after a while she would be able to see if the contractions were
strong enough to move the baby down. Well sure enough after her allotted time
she could determine the contractions were strong enough and after a check I was
just 6.5cm. She then started talking about the dreaded word while you are in
labor…..Cesarean Section! She explained to me that there are 3 P’s they look at
the Power of the contractions, the Passenger and their size and the Pelvic. She
said she had eliminated The Power because the power of the contractions was
strong enough to move the baby down. So the reason I was no longer dilating had
to either be A) the baby was too big or B) my pelvic was too small. I cried. Asked a few questions including “am I able to
labor more just to see what happens?” She said I could but in her medical
opinion it would do no good. I asked my nurse what she thought and she agreed
with the doctor. I felt as if my hands were tied in that moment and said
“okay”.
And then it
began….people in and out having me sign papers, making me drink some awful
antacid drink, explaining the risks of being cut open and having major
abdominal surgery. After the hustle and bustle and everything was in place I
was able to enjoy one last moment with the people who love us the most and we
prayed and asked God to watch over me and this precious child he was giving us.
They quickly wheeled me back to the OR while Jake waited for his turn to join
me. After a few moments I was laying on the operating table and being strapped
down. I could hear everyone talking about normal life stuff and was so glad
when Jake walked in. The anesthesiologist gave me some medicine in my IV and I
explained to him my body rejects anesthetics and I usually get very sick. He
said he would add some extra anti-nausea medicine for my comfort.
At first I
did not feel completely numb. I could feel the “pinch” test so they kept
putting more medicine in. I finally felt numb and they began. I have been in
surgeries before so I knew exactly what was going on. I heard the beep and I
knew they were cauterizing my skin. And I could smell it too. Burnt skin is not a smell you forget. It took
what I thought was about 10 minutes to get to my uterus and then I heard them
say they were opening the uterus. I kept saying, “I feel really nauseous.” I then at that moment remembered something my
friend Nikki told me that you will feel like an elephant is sitting on top of
you and then the next thing I remember is they said they were in and I would
feel some pulling and tugging. It was an out of body experience because I could
feel them inside my body. Literally like someone had stuck their hand in my
belly and were fishing around for something (which is exactly what they were
doing). I felt the nausea start to creep up to my chest and then my throat and
during the first breaths of life my daughter took I was not even involved in because
I was puking into a basin the size of a banana. Bless Jakes heart because he
knew how bad I wanted pictures and he was trying to take them while holding the
basin and at one point he actually dumped my puke all over my face and hair.
(God Love him!!) I remember the doctor saying “Oh she’s peeing” and “Her color
is amazing” She came out beat red and perfectly healthy. The following moments
are quite a blur to me. I remember hearing her cry but I don’t remember even
getting to see her face or touch her. Jake swears he showed her to me…but I
truly cannot remember. I do remember being in the recovery room and attempting
to breast feed. She would latch right on and then get frustrated because she
wasn’t getting much out. We then moved to our room where we were greeted with
our family and friends, all 10 of them that had stuck around through the whole
day. We even celebrated her birthday with a cake that my friend Abby brought in
J We are so loved. Everyone spent the
next couple hours in awe over Miss Emelyn Lianna. She weighed in at 8lbs 3oz
and was 21 inches long. She was born at 8:35pm.
The next part
will talk about post partum and the hours and days after Emelyn was born. In
the hours following the surgery and birth of Emelyn there are such blurred
emotions in my memory. I didn’t get to experience her on my chest taking her
first breaths and hearing her first cries next to my face. Jake did not get to
experience cutting the umbilical cord and my mom and sisters did not get to see
her enter this world (something I wanted so badly). My body just felt numb,
physically and emotionally. The medicines were so strong and completely made me
just numb. That’s the best way to describe it. Thank God for Jake because he
stepped in and took over. While family was there it is a blur. I remember most
everything I just had no feelings emotionally. My sisters picked up on this and
instead of leaving with the rest of the family they stayed until I was ready to
try and sleep. It brings tears to my eyes as I am typing this. I was just out
of it, not starring at my daughter and looking at her fingers and toes and seeing
who she looks like.
I never knew
something that brought you so much joy can also be mixed with something that
caused you so much heartache. The loss of a vaginal birth, and yes I say loss
because it truly is a loss. Women often go through a grieving period after have
a cesarean section. Some women see it as still a natural way to bring a baby
into this world and do not have any of these feelings but a lot of women, like
me, feel that God created my body to birth a baby vaginally and in my situation
I felt that my body failed me. All these questions as to “why didn’t I stand up
for not being induced” “why did I not insist that I labor longer than 12 hours”
“why did I allow them to do so many interventions (inducing me with pitocin,
breaking my water, epidural when I didn’t need it, pressure catheter and
ultimately the C-section)” Answers I will never have. I was so happy after she
was born but yet inside I was still very sad. I guess you could say I had post
partum depression but it was definitely very mild. Over the next months it felt
like every person I knew was getting to have a “normal” delivery. I say normal
loosely because what is really “normal” anyways. But deep down it was like a
tear in my heart longing for the birth experience I had so desperately hoped
for. Now I will tell you prior to
February 5th I never knew the desire I really had to have a natural
childbirth. I guess it’s one of those you don’t realize what you missed out on
but when you can’t have it, it hurts so badly! I just prayed to God to heal my
heart, to take away my negative feelings and to show me to trust in His plan.
I can
honestly say, God has answered my prayers. He has healed my heart and has shown
me that going through all of this has made me who I am today. He allowed me to
lean on him in those dark days when I just couldn’t handle it myself. I sing
praises to Him because no matter the heartache that crossed my mind God got me
through. I think had I not gone through this journey in the way that I did I
would not know what I do know now. I am able to educate women on the pros and
cons of things that I wish someone would have told me. Yes I am a nurse and yes
I knew mostly what to expect but Satan sure knows how to drag you down if you
let him. I chose not to let him and I chose happiness.
Every moment
that Emelyn has been in my arms has been a true joy. I have many times looked
at her and thought how is she mine?!?! What did I do to deserve this perfect
child of my own?!?! Why did God pick us to be Emelyn’s mommy and daddy because
I sure don’t feel that I deserve such a perfect and beautiful gift? But the
bible says Jesus became poor so that we could be rich and it comes from the
grace of God! What a selfless God to give us such a blessing in our lives. And
for that, I will be faithful. “For it is by grace you have been saved, through
faith and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God” Ephesians 2:8
Thank you
for taking the time to read this, I wanted to share this because it is what
helps me heal. Yes I struggled but it has only given me courage and strength.
And I just know that Jesus will one day give me the birth experience I yearn
for and every part of me prays I will be able to experience a successful VBAC! God Bless you, Lora
**You will
find a video with this story and these are pictures from that day. My beautiful
friend Toni Price took them and made this DVD for me. Every time I wanted to
share these with you, I never could. So with much strength I am sharing a
little bit of that day with you in visual form! Enjoy!
